dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
