half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
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i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
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Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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