Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
There's always time for handjobs
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
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I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
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SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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