This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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