LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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