apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize