I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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