The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
So squirting runs in the family.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
