I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Randomize
