I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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