i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
