Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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