my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
