My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
