I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize