Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
