Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Randomize
