My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
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jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
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Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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