connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
