did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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