Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
