Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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