I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can I color on your dick again?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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