Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
