I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
