chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
