3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
