You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
