I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
