we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
