Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
