It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
50% drunk capacity currently
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize