Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
