the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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