i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
