If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Randomize
