just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
