Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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