Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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