if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
