He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
