Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
