Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
