i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
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Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
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