just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
