tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
