DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
