cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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