I have demons in me.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Randomize
