saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
