GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
