she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
