you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
it's like heaven, but drunker
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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