Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
She's just so happy...and so naked.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
