You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
